Confidence - I'm certain I don't have any!

Since I was a child I've wanted to be a writer.

For over thirty years I've also been a photographer.

These have been constants through my life.

And yet...

I have never believed - truly believed - that I am any good at either of them.

It's a very strange situation as I'm someone who has always been able to do anything that they wish to do. I was in all the top classes at school, my IQ is extremely high, I learn things very quickly and I'm generally confident in myself.

But for some reason, I doubt myself in two of my favourite past-times. Why?

My wife, friends and even academics have praised my writing. People have bought my photography and booked me for their weddings. My current employer uses my photos in their PR work.

Surely this should convince me I can do these to a good standard?

As a child I knew I was good at anything I chose to do. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to me and I didn't always understand why some of my friends would struggle. As I grew older, life began to wear away my self belief, but I was still capable of rising to the top in most situations.

I now suffer from depression, and have done for some years, which causes very low days. My camera is often a source of great help on such days. Recently I was very low. My wife took me out with my camera and I spent hours taking photos of everything in sight. By the time we came home, my spirits were high.

I would love to believe that something which gives me such enjoyment (and therapy) is also something I can claim to be genuinely good at, but I still doubt my abilities (as with writing).

I guess this is a situation I will have to learn to live with and not allow my self doubts to undermine the two skills(?) that I may possess and certainly enjoy practising.

Support British small business - or the US...

I've previously mentioned I have a small photography business (can I call it that if I don't have any clients?) which I am struggling to get going.

Last year I returned to the world of office work, as I desperately needed an income.

Now, a year later, I'm trying to find a few wedding shoots to supplement my income. As a result I need a new website. Looking around the internet, I came across a site called www.gbbo.co.uk which has been set up to help get UK small businesses online.

Great, I thought, a site that is designed to specifically meet a UK business. This will be perfect. I signed up straight away and was directed to the host to begin building my site. That was when I realised this site was US based!

The free site is pretty basic - but probably sufficient for many businesses - and I needed to upgrade to use the functions I need. Fortunately I left it a few days, as the cost changed from £5 a month to free for a year before I had time to sign up for the upgrade.

My real issue with this is the fact that small businesses are being led to believe they are dealing with a Uk provider and only discover too late that they will actually be supporting the US economy if they upgrade, rather than supporting another UK company.

I know we now live in a world where there are no international boundaries (in the virtual world of the internet), but I do feel it would be nice for small businesses to feel they are helping other UK businesses grow along with their own business. I personally would prefer to know any growth in my business could be passed to the UK economy - not sent overseas.

Anyway, moan over, the site is exactly what I wanted and it has cost me virtually nothing. So I guess I shouldn't really complain...

Realistic - or am I losing my mind?

It's been a while since my last blog, but my wife suggested I share a recent experience with you.

Last Saturday morning I was watching breakfast TV in bed, when a feature came on about the new Muppet Movie. I smiled at the thought of another muppet film and then began to wonder what they'd been up to during the last few years - not the puppeteers, but the actual Muppets!

After a few moments of wondering if they were just enjoying life and all the money they must have made, I suddenly realised I was thinking of them as actual, living beings.

I must confess I was a little embarrassed (until I began laughing) at the thought I could be so stupid.

But then it occured to me - this is a tribute to the skills of the guys behing the Muppets. They have created characters of such strength that we forget they don't exist. The next day i saw an actor talking about working with them and talking of trying to catch their eyes. I think it is marvellous that the muppets have 'come to life' in our minds.

If I could ever create one character with that such a strong sense of 'being' I would be exceedingly pleased.

Congratulations to the Muppet team - and pass on my best wishes to Kermit and co...