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Saturday 11 June 2022

The One Big Lie


You lie to them all. Oh, not about everything, but definitely the one question; “Do you ever consider harming yourself - do you have suicidal thoughts?”

You shake your head and say no, perhaps you acknowledge your awareness that this is part of your condition. You say “The thought may have crossed my mind, but I dismissed it immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously considered it.”

But that’s not true is it? You have considered it. You’ve researched different methods and gone as far as planning where to do it to cause the least mess and problems for others. Everything from sitting in bed, to the more fanciful trip to Cambodia for a final long holiday, then hands full of barbiturates on a beach. 

Maybe you’ve even updated any financials, such as a will, or made plans for your funeral to ensure you don’t put a burden on family.

In fact, you think about everyday - EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

That little voice in the dark fog of your depressed mind whispers, nudges - and sometimes shouts - “No one cares, no one would really miss you. Do it! Stop the pain and misery!

It reminds you why you feel so bad. “ Do you want to spend the rest of your life living this life? You’re getting too old to change - things are just going downhill. There’s no future in which things get better.”

And you believe it. You know - really know - deep in your heart, that it’s telling the truth. Despair rears its head again “What’s the point???” it cries. No answer seems to appear.

Sleep, that safe refuge from life, evades you - you toss and turn through the night, unable to get the peace and respite you so desperately need. So you start the new day exhausted and emotionally drained.

Alcohol offers a solution - drink enough and oblivion beckons. A night’s sleep offered. But not rest, Drunken sleep leaves you tired all day. But sleep still refuses to come. More alcohol at least allows a few, comatose, hours of mental silence. And so the cycle continues, exhaustion, drunken sleep, exhaustion. 

The other downside to the alcohol, is the emotional rawness it causes. Despair while sober is bad enough, but when drunk it becomes total hopelessness. That nasty little voice becomes a roar. “Get on with it, you pathetic wanker!”

You look around you, tears running down your face, as you try to find a rock to cling to. Anything to help you stay on the shores of the living, before this terrible dark wave washes you away and death embraces you.

If you’re lucky, you find something - perhaps a child, or loved one comes to mind. Someone you know will suffer greatly if you leave them this way. 

Perhaps you are alone, but find the will to live is still strong enough to beat back this desire for an end to the turmoil. You decide to live another day and see if you feel different tomorrow.

You carry on, you work with others to get better and you push that little voice back into a room in the depths of your mind. The voice almost silenced…

You slowly recover. 

Or perhaps you don’t…

Not everyone finds that rock to cling to. Some are so damaged by the mental anguish of their condition that they cannot find a way back from the edge. They may feel there is no option open to them - no ‘cure’, for want of a better word, that will ever enable them to see a way back. 

Perhaps they’ve lost everything; driven everyone away.

Because that’s the thing with this illness - it’s hateful, filled with anger. Anger that’s often directed at the people most vulnerable to it - those who love and care for you and who can’t understand why you have turned into such a horrible version of the person they love. You see all this and the guilt makes you feel even worse. The depression feeds itself on your misery.

It destroys you from within your mind. And you can’t run away from it - it’s you. 

Which is why some people come to the realisation; the only way to end this situation is to kill the problem.

So, they do. 

And depression claims another victory.




Thursday 19 June 2014

Frustrated

Bloody frustrated!

This blog has always been as much about catharsis as just writing - I allow myself a little rant on here, secure in the knowledge that very few people ever read it, and just vent my annoyances at today's world.

Well, I'm back to do it again.

For the last few years I've attempted to establish myself as a self employed photographer while undertaking various employment to pay my bills. As you can probably guess, the photography has never taken off.

Now before I start moaning, I will freely admit I am useless at the marketing side of business. I hate the whole business of pestering people, discussing fees and generally self promoting. In general life I'm outgoing and confident, but I loathe selling anything - and especially myself. All my confidence evaporates and I just sit quietly hoping to be noticed. 

Stealth marketing is more my style, it seems...

 However, my real problem is the other photographers out there. Some are extremely good and should be my competition. Unfortunately they have one advantage over me - they are established and word of mouth carries a lot of weight. 

As a result, my competition is every man and his dog. Anyone with a camera thinks they're a photographer. They will photograph your event for the thrill of being the 'official photographer' - often for free or just expenses. 

That's fine if they're good and helping out a friend, but when they set themselves up to take business away from me i find it deeply frustrating when I see how bad they are.

I have seen 'photographers' with thousands of pounds worth of equipment (for a simple job) who waltz around being the big shot and who then produce work I would be ashamed to show as holiday snaps. Yet they keep being offered work,

Why???

I can only imagine it's because - like the Emperors new clothes - no-one wants to stand up and say "these are bad" when everyone tells them how good the photographer is.

I've had work sold, I've taken corporate photos for a small event that were later used as wall posters in head office and I've even convinced a company to change the way it photographed it's staff to the point they received a great deal of positive feedback for the new images. I've even been asked for a few lessons from one person. 

As such, I feel confident I can produce good work.  So why can't I succeed at something I enjoy, I'm good at and at which so many less able people seem to so easily find employment?

I don't believe it's just down to marketing - I know cost plays a part, but surely one look at a free/cheap photographers portfolio/website will show why you shouldn't use them? The problem seems to be more about going with what you know - "I know a bloke..." than bothering to research and see if they even have a portfolio or online presence.

I could moan on a lot longer, but I think I've bored any readers enough.

Please feel free to comment/criticise my blog. And of course... tell me if you need a photographer in Devon!

Thanks for reading, bye.





Friday 7 December 2012

Got a title, now what's the story?

It's been a while since I wrote this Blog - in fact it's been a while since I wrote anything!

I had a go at the NaNoWriMo but fell quite early. I just don't seem to be able to write at present and it's extremely annoying.

However...

This morning I woke up with a somewhat surreal phrase running through my mind. Normally I would have forgotten it before the first cup of coffee, but it's still there calling out to me. 

I think I may have the title for a short story (or possibly more) - now all I need is the story to go with it. I will spend today allowing thoughts to run free and see if anything good comes up. If so, I hope to be back on the riding horse very soon.

I'll let you know...

Friday 21 September 2012

help

A little while ago I had a conversation where the unusual (and potentially volatile) Brussel Sprout lasagne was mentioned. After we had all finished crying with the laughter I was left wondering what other bizarre/unsociable dishes people made.

I'm considering a short item/book about this subject and would welcome any of your own creations or family favourites. If I publish (probably in Kindle form) I will give the contributors name in the item (unless you prefer to remain anonymous).


Thanks everyone

Thursday 23 August 2012

What the hell?

I have just discovered something that I find more than a little worrying.

Today, I brought up my Blogger stats page and noticed the traffic appears to come primarily from one address (see below) -

 
 This is not somewhere I'm familiar with, so I clicked on it (more out of curiousity as to how they knew about me to redirect traffic) and was shocked to discover I was on a site filled with pornographic images.

I would hate anyone reading my blog to think I was in any linked with this site. My blog is all about the ramblings of a would be writer/photographer and in no way would I wish to be associated with this other site.

I am worried that it is either a virus in Blogger (I've certainly never put my blog up for any forwarding sites) or someone has created a link between my blog and this site. Either way, I will be keeping a careful eye on any other 'forwarding sites' appearing in my Traffic report, but I certainly won't casually open them again.

I would definitely recommend caution if you see any unknown sites in your own reports.

Neil

Tuesday 21 August 2012

Get back to that keyboard

Well, it's been a while since I wrote a proper blog (no developments on the attempt to earn from it as yet) and I thought it was time to start up again.

The last few months have been a little difficult - my depression makes it hard to find the enthusiasm to do anything - and as a result my writing has stopped completely. 

It's a bit of a vicious cycle as I feel even more down when I stare at the screen and can't even write a simple piece.

Anyway, my wife has finally convinced me to pick up one of the many part written/half conceived stories and have a serious go at finishing it off. 

At the same time I'm also looking into putting together a few of my short stories and creating a Kindle book. If nothing else, it will keep me occupied and might even be enjoyed by at least one person...

The hardest part for me now is deciding which story I feel most comfortable in trying to develop into a book. They say you should write what you know which has reduced it to two choices. I love sci-fi, so that offers one of my routes, but I have started a book with hints of self biography (only in so much as the main character has led a similar life, but without all the cock-ups) and a list of characters drawn from real life.

To be honest, the sci-fi feels a bit of a shambles (different parts seem to be different books) so I suspect I will be writing option 2.

I'm going to try to blog as much as possible, as well as work on the book every day. Maybe the last few months will prove to be the push I needed to actually finish writing at least one book.

Thanks for visiting

Neil


Wednesday 15 August 2012

A possible earner?

I've just come across a site that suggests you can earn money from blogging.

As I am currently trying to earn some extra (or any!) money, I thought I'd give it a go.

As such, I'm required to add the fairly random sentence,  an envelope absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, to this blog. 

Normal blogs will return shortly, but I'll keep you up to date on whether there actually is money to be made from blogging.

Neil