The One Big Lie

You lie to them all. Oh, not about everything, but definitely the one question; “Do you ever consider harming yourself - do you have suicidal thoughts?”

You shake your head and say no, perhaps you acknowledge your awareness that this is part of your condition. You say “The thought may have crossed my mind, but I dismissed it immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously considered it.”

But that’s not true is it? You have considered it. You’ve researched different methods and gone as far as planning where to do it to cause the least mess and problems for others. Everything from sitting in bed, to the more fanciful trip to Cambodia for a final long holiday, then hands full of barbiturates on a beach. 

Maybe you’ve even updated any financials, such as a will, or made plans for your funeral to ensure you don’t put a burden on family.

In fact, you think about everyday - EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

That little voice in the dark fog of your depressed mind whispers, nudges - and sometimes shouts - “No one cares, no one would really miss you. Do it! Stop the pain and misery!

It reminds you why you feel so bad. “ Do you want to spend the rest of your life living this life? You’re getting too old to change - things are just going downhill. There’s no future in which things get better.”

And you believe it. You know - really know - deep in your heart, that it’s telling the truth. Despair rears its head again “What’s the point???” it cries. No answer seems to appear.

Sleep, that safe refuge from life, evades you - you toss and turn through the night, unable to get the peace and respite you so desperately need. So you start the new day exhausted and emotionally drained.

Alcohol offers a solution - drink enough and oblivion beckons. A night’s sleep offered. But not rest, Drunken sleep leaves you tired all day. But sleep still refuses to come. More alcohol at least allows a few, comatose, hours of mental silence. And so the cycle continues, exhaustion, drunken sleep, exhaustion. 

The other downside to the alcohol, is the emotional rawness it causes. Despair while sober is bad enough, but when drunk it becomes total hopelessness. That nasty little voice becomes a roar. “Get on with it, you pathetic wanker!”

You look around you, tears running down your face, as you try to find a rock to cling to. Anything to help you stay on the shores of the living, before this terrible dark wave washes you away and death embraces you.

If you’re lucky, you find something - perhaps a child, or loved one comes to mind. Someone you know will suffer greatly if you leave them this way. 

Perhaps you are alone, but find the will to live is still strong enough to beat back this desire for an end to the turmoil. You decide to live another day and see if you feel different tomorrow.

You carry on, you work with others to get better and you push that little voice back into a room in the depths of your mind. The voice almost silenced…

You slowly recover. 

Or perhaps you don’t…

Not everyone finds that rock to cling to. Some are so damaged by the mental anguish of their condition that they cannot find a way back from the edge. They may feel there is no option open to them - no ‘cure’, for want of a better word, that will ever enable them to see a way back. 

Perhaps they’ve lost everything; driven everyone away.

Because that’s the thing with this illness - it’s hateful, filled with anger. Anger that’s often directed at the people most vulnerable to it - those who love and care for you and who can’t understand why you have turned into such a horrible version of the person they love. You see all this and the guilt makes you feel even worse. The depression feeds itself on your misery.

It destroys you from within your mind. And you can’t run away from it - it’s you. 

Which is why some people come to the realisation; the only way to end this situation is to kill the problem.

So, they do. 

And depression claims another victory.

Frustrated

Bloody frustrated!

This blog has always been as much about catharsis as just writing - I allow myself a little rant on here, secure in the knowledge that very few people ever read it, and just vent my annoyances at today's world.

Well, I'm back to do it again.

For the last few years I've attempted to establish myself as a self employed photographer while undertaking various employment to pay my bills. As you can probably guess, the photography has never taken off.

Now before I start moaning, I will freely admit I am useless at the marketing side of business. I hate the whole business of pestering people, discussing fees and generally self promoting. In general life I'm outgoing and confident, but I loathe selling anything - and especially myself. All my confidence evaporates and I just sit quietly hoping to be noticed. 

Stealth marketing is more my style, it seems...

 However, my real problem is the other photographers out there. Some are extremely good and should be my competition. Unfortunately they have one advantage over me - they are established and word of mouth carries a lot of weight. 

As a result, my competition is every man and his dog. Anyone with a camera thinks they're a photographer. They will photograph your event for the thrill of being the 'official photographer' - often for free or just expenses. 

That's fine if they're good and helping out a friend, but when they set themselves up to take business away from me i find it deeply frustrating when I see how bad they are.

I have seen 'photographers' with thousands of pounds worth of equipment (for a simple job) who waltz around being the big shot and who then produce work I would be ashamed to show as holiday snaps. Yet they keep being offered work,

Why???

I can only imagine it's because - like the Emperors new clothes - no-one wants to stand up and say "these are bad" when everyone tells them how good the photographer is.

I've had work sold, I've taken corporate photos for a small event that were later used as wall posters in head office and I've even convinced a company to change the way it photographed it's staff to the point they received a great deal of positive feedback for the new images. I've even been asked for a few lessons from one person. 

As such, I feel confident I can produce good work.  So why can't I succeed at something I enjoy, I'm good at and at which so many less able people seem to so easily find employment?

I don't believe it's just down to marketing - I know cost plays a part, but surely one look at a free/cheap photographers portfolio/website will show why you shouldn't use them? The problem seems to be more about going with what you know - "I know a bloke..." than bothering to research and see if they even have a portfolio or online presence.

I could moan on a lot longer, but I think I've bored any readers enough.

Please feel free to comment/criticise my blog. And of course... tell me if you need a photographer in Devon!

Thanks for reading, bye.

Got a title, now what's the story?

It's been a while since I wrote this Blog - in fact it's been a while since I wrote anything!

I had a go at the NaNoWriMo but fell quite early. I just don't seem to be able to write at present and it's extremely annoying.

However...

This morning I woke up with a somewhat surreal phrase running through my mind. Normally I would have forgotten it before the first cup of coffee, but it's still there calling out to me. 

I think I may have the title for a short story (or possibly more) - now all I need is the story to go with it. I will spend today allowing thoughts to run free and see if anything good comes up. If so, I hope to be back on the riding horse very soon.

I'll let you know...

help

A little while ago I had a conversation where the unusual (and potentially volatile) Brussel Sprout lasagne was mentioned. After we had all finished crying with the laughter I was left wondering what other bizarre/unsociable dishes people made.

I'm considering a short item/book about this subject and would welcome any of your own creations or family favourites. If I publish (probably in Kindle form) I will give the contributors name in the item (unless you prefer to remain anonymous).

Thanks everyone

What the hell?

I have just discovered something that I find more than a little worrying.

Today, I brought up my Blogger stats page and noticed the traffic appears to come primarily from one address (see below) -

 
 This is not somewhere I'm familiar with, so I clicked on it (more out of curiousity as to how they knew about me to redirect traffic) and was shocked to discover I was on a site filled with pornographic images.

I would hate anyone reading my blog to think I was in any linked with this site. My blog is all about the ramblings of a would be writer/photographer and in no way would I wish to be associated with this other site.

I am worried that it is either a virus in Blogger (I've certainly never put my blog up for any forwarding sites) or someone has created a link between my blog and this site. Either way, I will be keeping a careful eye on any other 'forwarding sites' appearing in my Traffic report, but I certainly won't casually open them again.

I would definitely recommend caution if you see any unknown sites in your own reports.

Neil

Get back to that keyboard

Well, it's been a while since I wrote a proper blog (no developments on the attempt to earn from it as yet) and I thought it was time to start up again.

The last few months have been a little difficult - my depression makes it hard to find the enthusiasm to do anything - and as a result my writing has stopped completely. 

It's a bit of a vicious cycle as I feel even more down when I stare at the screen and can't even write a simple piece.

Anyway, my wife has finally convinced me to pick up one of the many part written/half conceived stories and have a serious go at finishing it off. 

At the same time I'm also looking into putting together a few of my short stories and creating a Kindle book. If nothing else, it will keep me occupied and might even be enjoyed by at least one person...

The hardest part for me now is deciding which story I feel most comfortable in trying to develop into a book. They say you should write what you know which has reduced it to two choices. I love sci-fi, so that offers one of my routes, but I have started a book with hints of self biography (only in so much as the main character has led a similar life, but without all the cock-ups) and a list of characters drawn from real life.

To be honest, the sci-fi feels a bit of a shambles (different parts seem to be different books) so I suspect I will be writing option 2.

I'm going to try to blog as much as possible, as well as work on the book every day. Maybe the last few months will prove to be the push I needed to actually finish writing at least one book.

Thanks for visiting

Neil

A possible earner?

I've just come across a site that suggests you can earn money from blogging.

As I am currently trying to earn some extra (or any!) money, I thought I'd give it a go.

As such, I'm required to add the fairly random sentence,  an envelope absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, to this blog. 

Normal blogs will return shortly, but I'll keep you up to date on whether there actually is money to be made from blogging.

Neil

Shylock misses out...

Today I want to have a bit of a rant about companies offer quick loans.

A few days ago I heard of a twenty year old, unemployed man who had been given a completely unsecured loan by one of these companies that advertise on the TV.

This young man has no job, does not sign on and has no other income. Yet, on the strength of a debit card and a pound in his bank account, he was loaned £250 for a month. He has no apparent concept of responsibility and is reputedly borrowing money from all his friends. It would seem that one of these friends directed him to the easy and instant money available from this loan company.

The loan was for a month (he clearly had no idea of how he would repay the loan) and fell due a few weeks ago. The company are now chasing him for the money and his family are going to have to bail him out.

You may feel this problem is the sole fault of the young man (as I did initially), but perhaps we should ask ourselves how he obtained this loan in the first place.

This company states it is a responsible lender, but how responsible can you be if you lend money to someone with no way of paying it back? The interest so far is close to 70% and growing. I suspect this is the only aspect of the loan that interests many of these companies...

We need to look at the many loan companies currently preying on the poor, needy and the frankly stupid people who use these businesses. This country has massive debt problems and shocking poverty. How can it be right to licence the companies to drive people into debts they cannot afford? After hearing of this story I googled the company name and found story after story from people regretting ever taking a loan from them.

I know the banks have tightened lending, but permitting these  companies to operate in the way they do is not the solution. Sometimes banks refuse a loan because you really cannot afford the extra debt. 

These companies merely provide the opportunity to get further in trouble before the crash.

Shylock would be amazed at the business opportunities these companies would offer him in the 21st century.

Uncle Bob? I wouldn't employ him!

Last year I wrote a piece about hobby photographers and their impact on Wedding Photography as a profession.

To my surprise, it was published in a national magazine and sparked months of debate on the letters pages.

As I couldn't think of much to say today, I thought I'd share it with you.

 

We all know Uncle Bob. Nice guy - owns a camera and will be happy to take your wedding photos. “You don’t need an expensive, so called professional – Uncle Bob has got a decent camera and that’s all you need.”

Every professional photographer has met, or lost business to, Uncle Bob.

In these digital days, everyone with a camera thinks they can do the job as well as a professional. Add in a recession and suddenly a few hundred pounds for a photographer at the most expensive day of your life is an unnecessary outlay. No-one says “I’ve got a garden, I’ll grow my own flowers” despite the cost of bouquets (and the short life), but they are more than happy to leave the photography to ‘some bloke with a camera’ based on price. 

Uncle Bob will usually offer to do the wedding shoot “just buy me a drink” he’ll say. Why on earth do people entrust what may be the most important images of their life to someone who does it for ‘fun’?

Couples spend thousands on the big day, but then try to cut costs on the person who will provide a record of that day. Uncle Bob might seem a bargain before the wedding, but we all know the final price. Poor quality images, disappointment and regret. Unfortunately, a wedding isn’t the same as a family portrait – you can’t come back and try again. Uncle Bob gets one go and that’s one too many...

I recently returned to photography as a profession after a long break. I took a great many pictures to ensure total confidence in my camera, I used everyone I could think of as guinea pigs and I offered free shoots to couples who couldn’t afford a photographer (does that make me Uncle Bob?) in order to put together a proper wedding package. I regarded it as a refresher programme after a break. 

My first paid wedding went very well. My clients were delighted with the quality of the images and also my relaxed style. And that is what makes us so much better than Uncle Bob. We do this for a living; we are confident enough to pose the couple when necessary, but we also work with them to create relaxed, natural images. We don’t ‘point and shoot’, nor do we march around giving orders. We do our best not to intrude in the day. We take the images they want, when they want. 

Our philosophy is different from Uncle Bob’s (or should be). We want our clients to regard our images as the perfect reminder of their day. We want them to show them off with pride. Uncle Bob wants to be known as the chap who took the photos, he doesn’t do this for a living and he doesn’t really care about the long term.

My advice to any couple booking a photographer is simple. Price is obviously a consideration – it’s no good booking a £1000 an hour photographer if your wedding budget is £2000 – but the most important thing to consider is their portfolio. Do you like their previous work? Is it a style you want for your own images? Do you feel comfortable with the photographer (after all, you’ll be working with them all day!)? Are they willing to listen to what you want or do they have a fixed idea? Most photographers will want you, the client, to get the images you want. If someone refuses to listen, I’d keep searching.

If their prices are a little too high, ask about other packages. They may offer lower prices on weekdays for instance. 

Uncle Bob is unlikely to offer a portfolio – if he was good enough to have a number of successful weddings under his belt he would be charging accordingly. Do you really want to entrust your day to someone who has no investment in ensuring you are more than happy with your images? I doubt it, but if you do I wish you good luck......

Too cheap to be worth it?

I hate my job. I don't mean I don't like it - I genuinely hate it.

The job has made me ill, it conflicts with my own moral code and it is pointless in the extreme. If I actually do the job I'm employed to do, I will be over-ruled by people with 'friends in high places'.

Without going into detail, the job has opened my eyes to the type of corruption that is apparently acceptable in local government.

In short - I want out!!!!

Some of you may recall my attempt to find self employment as a photographer. Well, I want to try again as part of a wider range of employment options. I'm also undertaking a proofreading course as part two of 'The Plan'.

The problem I seem to be currently experiencing is pricing. I live in an area with a lot of photography students looking to earn a few pounds to top up their income. This means the customer is swamped with cheap (not inexpensive, which implies quality at a lower price) photographers offering cheap, or even free, wedding shoots.

This, obviously, makes it difficult to find work.

I recently read an article that suggested I should charge a higher price as this makes you stand out from the crowd and implies a higher quality standard of work. Now, I'm always happy to earn more, but will it take me out of consideration for most potential clients?

Do I need to find a new way to market myself to the higher spending clients? If so, what is this marketing method? I hate the sales side of things, but I know I'm going to have to push hard to break away from the herd. 

I intend carrying out a few model shoots during the upcoming weeks and will update my portfolio with the type of images my competitors seem unable to offer (I visit opposition websites to assess quality). Hopefully this will give me the slight edge I need to get moving forwards.

As far as the pricing goes, I need to give this a lot of thought and get feedback from everyone I know. Does price reflect quality in your eyes when seeking a photographer? Is it better to do inexpensive packages and hope someone wants a better service, or do I charge more on the basis I'm better than the 'Uncle Bob'* photographers out there?

The next few weeks are going to involve a lot of market research in the hope of answering this question. If you have any thoughts, please let me know.

Thanks

* Uncle Bob was the subject of an article I wrote for a national photography magazine last year.

Confidence - I'm certain I don't have any!

Since I was a child I've wanted to be a writer.

For over thirty years I've also been a photographer.

These have been constants through my life.

And yet...

I have never believed - truly believed - that I am any good at either of them.

It's a very strange situation as I'm someone who has always been able to do anything that they wish to do. I was in all the top classes at school, my IQ is extremely high, I learn things very quickly and I'm generally confident in myself.

But for some reason, I doubt myself in two of my favourite past-times. Why?

My wife, friends and even academics have praised my writing. People have bought my photography and booked me for their weddings. My current employer uses my photos in their PR work.

Surely this should convince me I can do these to a good standard?

As a child I knew I was good at anything I chose to do. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to me and I didn't always understand why some of my friends would struggle. As I grew older, life began to wear away my self belief, but I was still capable of rising to the top in most situations.

I now suffer from depression, and have done for some years, which causes very low days. My camera is often a source of great help on such days. Recently I was very low. My wife took me out with my camera and I spent hours taking photos of everything in sight. By the time we came home, my spirits were high.

I would love to believe that something which gives me such enjoyment (and therapy) is also something I can claim to be genuinely good at, but I still doubt my abilities (as with writing).

I guess this is a situation I will have to learn to live with and not allow my self doubts to undermine the two skills(?) that I may possess and certainly enjoy practising.

Support British small business - or the US...

I've previously mentioned I have a small photography business (can I call it that if I don't have any clients?) which I am struggling to get going.

Last year I returned to the world of office work, as I desperately needed an income.

Now, a year later, I'm trying to find a few wedding shoots to supplement my income. As a result I need a new website. Looking around the internet, I came across a site called www.gbbo.co.uk which has been set up to help get UK small businesses online.

Great, I thought, a site that is designed to specifically meet a UK business. This will be perfect. I signed up straight away and was directed to the host to begin building my site. That was when I realised this site was US based!

The free site is pretty basic - but probably sufficient for many businesses - and I needed to upgrade to use the functions I need. Fortunately I left it a few days, as the cost changed from £5 a month to free for a year before I had time to sign up for the upgrade.

My real issue with this is the fact that small businesses are being led to believe they are dealing with a Uk provider and only discover too late that they will actually be supporting the US economy if they upgrade, rather than supporting another UK company.

I know we now live in a world where there are no international boundaries (in the virtual world of the internet), but I do feel it would be nice for small businesses to feel they are helping other UK businesses grow along with their own business. I personally would prefer to know any growth in my business could be passed to the UK economy - not sent overseas.

Anyway, moan over, the site is exactly what I wanted and it has cost me virtually nothing. So I guess I shouldn't really complain...

Realistic - or am I losing my mind?

It's been a while since my last blog, but my wife suggested I share a recent experience with you.

Last Saturday morning I was watching breakfast TV in bed, when a feature came on about the new Muppet Movie. I smiled at the thought of another muppet film and then began to wonder what they'd been up to during the last few years - not the puppeteers, but the actual Muppets!

After a few moments of wondering if they were just enjoying life and all the money they must have made, I suddenly realised I was thinking of them as actual, living beings.

I must confess I was a little embarrassed (until I began laughing) at the thought I could be so stupid.

But then it occured to me - this is a tribute to the skills of the guys behing the Muppets. They have created characters of such strength that we forget they don't exist. The next day i saw an actor talking about working with them and talking of trying to catch their eyes. I think it is marvellous that the muppets have 'come to life' in our minds.

If I could ever create one character with that such a strong sense of 'being' I would be exceedingly pleased.

Congratulations to the Muppet team - and pass on my best wishes to Kermit and co...

Lost in a plot maze

A little while ago I began writing a short story. It was pretty much fully formed in my mind and just needed committing to paper.

I wrote the first few pages in one sitting and took a break which turned into several weeks. Today I returned to try and complete it.

Somehow I seem to have found myself in a maze. I don't know how I got to the point I'm at, nor how to get out of it. I seem to have the options of continuing and hoping it works out or abandoning it altogether.

What do I do?

The annoying part of this is the fact I know what should be happening, but the story won't listen. It seems to want to ramble along in a, seemingly, endless fashion.

I think I'm going to have to revisit on a different day and try to wield a sharp pair of editing scissors. In the meantime I'll desperately try and do some work on my, currently neglected, novel. Back to paid work next week, so I need to get some writing done while I have the chance.

Have a good weekend

Feel sorry for yourself? Not anymore...

I think we all feel sorry for ourselves now and again, believing life is treating us cruelly and no-one can have it worse. I know I do – I suffer from depression and have 'dark' days.

Well, today I read a blog from someone who truly does have it bad. Life has been cruel. I'm talking about a young lady called Alice. She is 15 years old and terminally ill. She writes a blog http://alicepyne.blogspot.com/ about her life. It is a pretty upbeat blog, considering her situation. It shows a courageous young person facing a greatly shortened life. She lists her 'bucket list' of ambitions to fulfil before she dies. This week one ambition was fulfilled when she met Take That at their Manchester concert. They seem to have given her an amazing time.

It is an amazing example to those of us who feel hard done by in life or who, like myself, struggle on some days to see the light. I can only say I doubt I would be as brave.

Unfortunately, as always on the internet, there are those who see this as an opportunity for nastiness. These cowards are posting vicious, heartless messages. No-one in their right mind would find anything remotely funny about Alice's condition, but these morons obviously gain some pleasure from their cruelty. I very much doubt they would dare behave in such a way face to face. The only printable word for such people is scum.

Please visit her blog, read it and see true courage. Teenagers get a bad press these days, but here is an example of a teenager at their best. Maybe it's in your power to help her realise part of her list?

The blog is unlikely to be easy reading as time goes by but I urge everyone to support this amazing young woman.

I will try to think of her whenever I feel low. Perhaps it will remind me how much worse I could have it and also how to handle life's difficulties.

Writing to blog or blogging to write?

Recently I've been neglecting this blog.

I began a few months ago with such good intentions – I was going to (and did at first) write every day. Now, I write once or twice a week.

What happened?

I think it's much harder to maintain a regular, interesting output than many of us realise. I certainly admire those who manage it. I have made a number of attempts to write and abandoned them as dull or pointless.

However, I have decided to make an extra effort. After all, this is what writing is about – finding something to write about.

Last week I spent the week working as an office temp. The photography business is dead and I need money, which means returning to the workplace. Last week was the first work my agency has found me.

I was a little concerned as I haven't worked in an office since last year. I worried whether I would be too 'rusty', or even too used to my own company. I needn't have worried. I was employed to help catch up on a backlog of work going back to last year. The expectation was for me to put a good sized dent in the work in order for the permanent employee to begin getting on top of it.

It was almost too easy. I cleared the entire backlog and brought everything up to date. By Friday I had nothing to do.

This was a massive relief to me as I was able to confirm all this time at home hasn't eroded my work ethic; nor my ability to work efficiently. I think my writing must take some of the credit for this. I have probably spent as much time at my home desk as I would at the office. My typing has never been superfast – I just can't learn to type, although I can find the keys in the dark (weird) - but it has definitely improved since I returned to writing.

I'm now trying to find more temping while I also seek permanent employment. Until then, I intend writing something on this blog as often as possible. I'm sure much will be the usual rambling rubbish, but I hope to also write blogs that entertain, amuse or even provoke conversation. I am a wannabe writer and I need to write if I'm to ever be a real writer.

After all, isn't the point of blogging to write?

Arise Sir Neil? I don’t think so...

I'm not an admirer of the Royal Family (as I may have mentioned previously...), nor of most of the Honours system.

I personally find it deeply offensive when someone is given an Honour for making themselves wealthy and famous. Celebrities are made Knights of the Realm purely on the basis they are famous. What has a footballer or singer done to deserve such an honour? They have pursued their ambition and made a great deal of money (often abusing their status to get away with the type of behaviour considered unacceptable in the rest of society). They then expect recognition in the form of honours.

Why?

The nurse who works a sixty hour shift, caring for the sick and dying, week after week, is surely far more deserving of recognition than a pampered entertainer or overpaid idiot footballer?

In many ways the Honours system reflects the Royals. It elevates people for no real reason – enforcing an outdated class system – and does not reflect those who truly deserve to be recognised.

There is a committee whose job it is to look into the behaviour of holders of honours. They can recommend the removal of the honour if the holder's actions bring it into disrepute. Really???? What about the various peers (stand up Lord Archer) who have ended up in prison and retained their title? Surely this alone demonstrates the nonsense of an honour system. How can you be a Peer of the Realm and, therefore, a symbol of our nation, and also be a convicted criminal.

However...

This weekend I learnt of an Honour given to an everyday individual in recognition of their work for the community. I won't tell you his name as he doesn't want publicity. He is a quiet, private person who has spent over thirty years quietly working. He helps the homeless in his spare time and is generally the exact type of person who should be recognised and rewarded for his efforts. Ironically, he is also the kind of person who is least likely to tell anyone he has been awarded his honour.

We are all incredibly pleased for him. His family is immensely proud. He is probably more embarrassed at the fuss than anything else – although I'm sure he is also very proud and amazed.

This is exactly what the Honours system should be about – recognising ordinary (in terms of not famous, there's nothing ordinary about the type of person who works so hard for no reward) people who do far more for their community than the average person. People who quietly do it for their own reasons, without expectation of anything more than the knowledge they have helped.

If the Royals must give out these awards, they should consider creating a category for the rich and famous and another for the genuinely deserving. Then we would all know who truly has earned the Honour and who has bought it with fame.

I wish I could remember what I wanted to tell you...

When I first start writing a new piece of work I am full of enthusiasm and cannot wait to commit the words to paper (or hard drive these days!). Unfortunately, that enthusiasm falls quickly away to be replaced by apathy. I struggle to make the effort to write – I often begin to consider the next piece instead – and frequently end up with a half written piece that I return to now and again without ever developing.

Recently, the same thing has happened to this blog. Where once I wrote daily, I now write once or twice a week.

The difference is more to do with the content. I'm never sure what to write about when I sit down at the computer. Sometimes inspiration strikes and the words fly from my fingers. Other times I mentally wander around looking for the germ of an idea. As the blog is entirely voluntary, I just leave it if nothing comes to mind. It's a good job I don't have a paid daily column, isn't it?

It's not even the fact I can't always think of anything to say. I often write whole chapters/blog posts in my mind as I go about my day. The problem seems to be reforming them when I have the opportunity to write.

I wonder if I just have a bad memory or whether it's more to do with a quality filter. Perhaps my 'brilliant' concepts are evaluated by the mental review committee and found to be lacking in quality. The decision is made to delete the file rather than clutter up my mind with rubbish.

It would be nice to imagine this is the case rather than an inability to remember my own thoughts...

Published!!

A couple of months ago I wrote a short piece, as part of a Writers Bureau assignment, on amateur photographers who were taking paid work from professionals.

My tutor liked the piece in terms of the actual writing, but doubted there would be anyone interested in printing it. I was naturally quite disappointed and decided to send it off anyway.

Imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from the Editor of a national magazine (Photo Professional). He informed me he liked the piece and wanted to use it as part of an article in an upcoming issue. I was delighted and couldn't stop grinning as I told everyone my news.

Well, this week the magazine hit the shops. I walked into WH Smith yesterday to check it was actually true (unfortunately I forgot to take my wallet, so I couldn't buy it!) and have a read. I stood in the shop grinning like an idiot, unable to believe it had happened – there was my piece taking up half a page in a real magazine! There was even a photo of me (I hate my picture being taken so it's fairly rare) to prove it.

I'm sure the many writers who are regularly published will laugh at such excitement over a fairly small and unpaid item, but I am still buzzing with the thrill of this achievement. It has convinced me to try harder to get more (and paid) work published. The thrill may wear off eventually – until then I'm the guy walking around town smiling for no apparent reason!

A week of restful countryside.

Last week my wife and I spent a few days in a wooden lodge in the Somerset countryside.

What a lovely, relaxing break it turned out to be.

I'm currently (and desperately) trying to find a job as my photography business just isn't working out - unfortunately I live in a city filled with photography students who seriously undercut the market price for work and leave people like me unable to earn a living. As a result, money is quite tight. In fact, I didn't expect us to go anywhere this year.

My wife, however, found a bargain break online and booked it as a surprise.

We travelled up to Somerset in a mixture of sunshine and drizzle – a sign of the week to come – and arrived to be informed the forecast was miserable for most of the week.

In a fit of ridiculous optimism, I had failed to pack anything but summer clothing, with the exception of a hoody from Italy. As a result I spent the week wandering around the countryside in shorts and open toed shoes (expensive flip flops!).

It didn't matter at all. We walked for miles and saw lots of wildlife. As someone who grew up in a council house in North London, I am always amazed at the number of animals roaming free in the British countryside. We took dozens of photos and walked along footpaths through farm land (somehow I always feel like a trespasser when we do this). The views at the top of the hills were breathtaking (getting to the top was pretty breathtaking too!) and I felt my cares drift away as the week progressed.

Returning to the lodge we were able to relax our aching muscles in the best part of the lodge – an outdoor hot tub. What a pleasure. We sat in the tub each evening and relaxed to the sound of the birds singing. Disappointingly, the weather was predominantly cloudy, so no stars, but it didn't really matter.

On our last evening we walked up a pretty steep hill and sat to watch the hills come alive at dusk. We saw rabbits come out on the opposite hill, playing as they ran around. Then a fox, hunting nearby.

After a while we noticed another fox, very near the rabbits, but not moving. After a few moments we saw the reason – she was with her cubs. Four fox cubs chasing each other and enjoying the evening sunshine (the few minutes we had...). What an amazing sight; we sat for a long time just watching them at play. It was the perfect end to a relaxing week.

Hopefully, my mind is now sufficiently recharged to enable me to get on with my novel (I thought of a direction change while sitting in the hot tub) and finally climb past the wall I've run into.